I went into the hospital room i had been in so many times on the ward no one liked to mention to see Howard for the last time, i tried to put on a brave face i still did not want to believe that this was it no more crazy nights on the town, shopping trips or just nights in chilling with the best person i had ever met the vibrant 6 footer who was always laughing and didn't have an enemy in the world was lying in a bed weighing less than 5 stone unable to move looking 40 years older than he his real age of 23, moaning in pain just waiting to die. How had this happened? Life had seemed so great just 4 short years before...
We used to tell everyone we met in a lift and just starting chatting this was not true we actually met in the No 1 club in Manchester in 1982 when mutual friends we were with got chatting and forgot about us,we found we lived in the same tower block on Salford Precinct, Howard on the 11th floor me on the 3rd, he liked to claim he was in the penthouse despite there being another 4 floors above him, typical Howard ! and i was in the basement.
We loved the same music Five Star, Hazel Dean anything Hi Energy and Howard also loved Madonna a new singer at the time, cheesy i know but very popular on the Gay-Scene at the time.I had recently moved to Manchester from London so didn't know that many people my own age so we quickly became the best of friends and we were rarely seen apart, purely platonic and we used to laugh when other people assumed we were a couple that was never on the cards.
Hardly a day went by when we didn't see each or were out on the town. Howard was not working but was always busy visiting friends he never seemed to get bored, i was working at Lewis's back then just Monday to Friday so weekends were always free..our "party time" as Howard called it.
The evening usually started at the Stuffed Olive a favourite bar with everyone and from there just a short walk up to No 1 club a favourite of mine,at the back of Bootle Street Police Station. It was a bit dressy for Howard who was more of the clone type, so at 2am it was a mad dash to Archway this cloney club under the railway arches close to the Hacienda. which stayed open until 4am a rarity back then.
I know i said we had very similar tastes but not in everything, thank God! Howard was what was called a Clone which meant cropped hair, tache, white t shirt, checked shirt, jeans, braces and doc martins. Whereas i was more the New Romantic, frilly white shirts, diamante, suits, and liberal use of hair products and eye liner we must of made a very odd looking couple.
Typical Clone Look
New Romantic Look
Being in our 20s and single we were both on the look out for "THE ONE" but whereas i tended to find the one on a regular basis who very quickly became "THE FORGOTTEN ONE" Howard was more fussy and though he was attracted to lots of guys found it difficult to go up and talk to them i did try to chat them up for him but clones were only attracted to clones so the sight of some frilly lacy queen descending on them had them running for the hills, manly in looks only it seemed!!!.
But don't get me wrong he did hook up with guys but no one special until he met Mickey a Salford scally who looked like he would slit your throat rather than talk to you but looks can be deceiving he was exactly Howard's type ..short muscular cheeky confident with a quick easy smile and very blue eyes a real charmer. I hated him from the start.
Mickey became the only thing we ever argued about, looking back this was probably jealousy because they naturally wanted to spend more time together, this made me feel left out or a gooseberry when we went out on the town as a threesome now, more often than not going straight to the Archway and missing out the No 1 altogether as Mickey felt it was too queeny for him, i felt implying it was perfect for me..
Things came to a head one Saturday. I had got ready as usual, which was a 3 hour ritual i hasten to add, only for Howard to pop down to say Mickey wasn't feeling well so he was cancelling our night out to look after him.This had been happening a lot lately Mickey seemed to have a perpetual cold or headache.
It was the final straw i had finally had enough and told Howard that as he was too busy at the moment maybe we should take a break for a while.I regretted it as soon as i said it but we were both as stubborn as each other so that was that.
Life carried on much as before i was still going out though avoiding the Archway as I'm sure Howard was avoiding the No 1 though i never saw him. I tended to end the night in the all-night cafe at Piccadilly now same friends just no Howard.I heard rumours he was still with Mickey and that they tended to stay in a lot more now.
3 months passed and everything carried on as normal for me the usual..work, shopping, clubs until a Monday night in January 86.
There was a knock at my door and it was Howard looking gaunt thin and pale and close to tears.I assumed it was something to do with Mickey hoping they had split up.But it was much worse than that Howard said nothing just handed me a form headed "St Luke's" a local clap clinic in Castlefield, now a restaurant of all things, but back then it was where everyone went to be tested for HIV.Howard had tested positive, the worst possible news at that time.
For anyone who doesn't know, at this time HIV had been around for about 3/4 years in the media and unlike now there were no drugs or treatments that could slow it down apart from AZT a new "so called" wonder drug that in the end turned out not to work.To be diagnosed HIV Positive was a death sentence which could be weeks/months or a year if you were lucky and nearly always resulted in a painful unpleasant death.
Even now despite what people think there is no cure for Aids the amazing drug therapies do allow people to lead normal lives but at a cost, large amounts of drugs have to be taken at regular intervals during the day including through the night, FOREVER, and need to be regularly changed when the body gets used to them. And to think there are actually people who advertise on the internet to be "virus takers" a person who is willing to have unprotected sex with someone who has HIV in the hope that they will get it too, most of these people are unbelievably people in there 20's...
Howard's news hit me hard, the stupid argument over nothing really seemed so unimportant and a waste of time now.He eventually managed to tell me what had been happening over the last few months..Mickey had started to get sick about the time Howard and i had stopped seeing each other at first they both thought it was a cold but when this "cold" dragged on for a few weeks he eventually went to the doctors who soon confirmed the worse.Mickey had HIV fast developing into full blown Aids, and as it turned out this was no surprise to him he had known for some time he was infected but had not wanted to tell anyone least of all Howard.Like a lot of people at the time he chose to ignore it hoping it would go away, at a terrible cost to Howard.. Mickey had left a few weeks back and no longer kept in touch, i tried to be sympathetic to Mickey for Howard's sake but i wanted to kill him.
Over the next few weeks i tried to do as much as i could even going to see Mickey to see if he would meet up with Howard to try to explain and clear the air but i was too late he had been taken to hospital the previous week and had died 2 days later, how was i going to tell Howard ? As it turned out someone beat me to it a mutual friend of theirs had gone round to let him know after the funeral which made matters worse as Howard couldn't understand why he wasn't given the opportunity to say his goodbyes.This played heavily on his mind and this stress on top of everything else meant he lost his fighting spirit and didn't eat properly and kept forgetting to take his meds.This caused a sharp decline in his already fragile health he lost weight, couldn't sleep had night sweats and began to hallucinate, some days he didn't know who i was..He was diagnosed with full blown Aids and one of the worse strains not only was his body breaking down but the disease was destroying his brain day by day he was disappearing it was just a race as too whether his brain would go first or his body.
6 weeks to the day he was first diagnosed Howard collapsed coughing blood and was rushed to Manchester Royal which at the time was one of the few hospitals in the North West set up to deal with this disease..you need to understand that at the time there was a lot of superstition and fear surrounding this disease ,some people actually thought you could catch it from toilet seats or shaking someone's hand or even breathing the same air, and shockingly the medical profession was no better.
A special ward was set up for Aids patients which was sealed of from the rest of he hospital on a separate floor where visitors and nurses were forced to scrub up and wear white papers suits and masks whenever going in to check the patient or even just visit, most nurses did not volunteer for this assignment and did not want to be there i can still remember being told by a nurse " why did i bother to bring flowers or magazines as it just meant extra work for her to have to burn them at the end of each week " I complained to the doctor in charge but his response was "she has a family to think of and needs to safe guard herself" This was normal behaviour even down to a reporter taking pictures of visitors to "the plague ward" as it was known in the hospital this seems unbelievable now but the newspapers and tv programmes had done a good job in misinforming the public yet again..
Howard was in and out of conscientiousness, it must of been very scary for him seeing everyone in "space suits" and not knowing who was there because all faces were covered.Whenever the nurses weren't around i took of my mask i only took it of once in front of a nurse who immediately reported me to some doctor who said if i ever did that again i would not be able to visit any longer.. but Howard was so far gone now that he had no idea who i was any way, i just wanted him too see a face not just an alien..
It was the third day in hospital when things seemed to pick up Howard was lucid knew what was going on around him and was even cracking jokes and best of all he could recognise people,he was back to his old self maybe this medication was going to work.He could take liquids and even managed to eat some grapes, his first solid food in days.We chatted for hours about different things and bitched about people we didn't like and i filled him in on everything that had been going on and what everyone was up too.He said he fancied some chocolate so i nipped down to the cafeteria to get some ( food dispensers weren't allowed on this floor, apparently the service company wouldn't fill them) I knew everything was going to be OK Howard was going to be one of those that pulled through...i was only gone about 15 minutes.
I knew something was wrong as soon as i stepped back on the ward the curtains around Howard's bed were drawn and a nurse came over to me as soon as she saw me. Apparently he had a brain seizure minutes after i went downstairs there was nothing they could do it was just something that was going to happen but there was no way of knowing when the only plus side is that Howard would not of known what was happening to him, it was quick and painless.I don't think i took in what was being said i just wanted to give him his chocolate. I was not allowed to see the body that was for family only.
A family who hadn't really bothered with him in life but were suddenly around in his death. The funeral was a quiet affair with his friends and family all together for the sake of Howard if not for for each other, the service was not the way he would of chosen it to be but it was more for his parents to grieve in there way then representing Howard i guess, i did understand but i like all his friends new this did not represent the Howard we knew.
Luckily for us Salford Cathedral had at the time a very progressive vicar who had agreed that a private memorial could be held on the grounds to remember Howard, no grave site as he was cremated, not at the funeral but within 1 hour of dying in the hospital as were all Aids patients another government ruling at the time. This was more a celebration of Howard and the type of person he was, caring, annoying, loving, bitchy,lazy,funny,pessimistic,argumentative and loyal, as we all are i hope despite what happens to us.I t was a low key affair with everyone just telling there own memories of Howard good and bad and eating his favourite food, cheese and tomato sandwiches washed down with Malibu and Coke.Remember this was the 80's..
So that is my memories of one of the best people i have ever met and yes maybe my judgement is clouded and he wasn't perfect and i do realise that no one can compete with a dead person, after all they can never let you down but i think everyone has someone in there life whether it be parent/friend/teacher or work colleague who does make you sit up and take notice and Howard was mine.
HOWARD WOULD OF LOVED THIS PIC
The reading at Howard's Service.
He was An Angel here on Earth, and Now he is an Angel above us. He is Watching over all Of Us, and Keeps us under his Angel Wings.
He was one of the Bestest Friends Anyone could Have ever asked for. He was Always there, if I needed someone to Talk to. He Loved me, and Helped me Through some Really Hard times.The News of His Death, truly has me, unsure of what to say, do, or how To even Feel at the Moment. He was a Great Friend. I was Very Blessed that He Took me Under His Wings, and took Care of me.This Man was Amazing. He Cared So very Much about So Many here. He Helped So many, and He was just an Amazing Friend to have.I am Not going to Say goodbye to Him. I am not going to say, I LOVED him, because he is Still with me. As he always will be. He Helped me see the Strength in myself, that I didn't know that I had.He will be very much missed. He was An Angel, and Heaven will be very lucky to have him. I just hope he knows, he is Loved, and he will be Missed.
This is Not going to be easy for us who lives he inpacted, he was a true gentlemen, He was much Loved, and respected, and the loss of him, has put a lot of pain in a lot of our heart.I ask, during this hard time, we all come together, put our differences aside, and come together as one, to help us all, get through this huge loss.
IT BROKE MY HEART
It's lonely here
since you passed on.
The house is quiet
and I'm so alone.
The empty chair
where you once sat;
The sound of your voice
saying this and that.
Your favorite cologne
I smell no more.
And how I long
to hear you snore.
When you died
it broke my heart.
But the time had come
for us to part
http://www.crusaid.org.uk/gc.php?page=what_home&gclid=CKOoxqfd2KICFREslAodJHRtvg
