VICTORIA WOOD LYRICS

Pam

Can I tell you who I am
I'm Pamela Particia but they call me Pam
I don't like shorts or sling back shoes
My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews
I don't say who, I do say whom
I never use the toilet, just the smallest room
I don't say gay I still say queer
I think that Mussolini had the right idea

Got engaged in '62
Got married in the April in a nice pale blue
It all turned sour to say the least
I was stuck in Abergele with a sex crazed beast
Our wedding night I heard a cough
There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off
I said now look I must be blunt
I couldn't give a begger on the whole sex front
Not me, not my scene
I prefer a game of rummy and an ovaltine
Harold dear, now do get dressed
I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed

Once divorced I lived alone
Then I chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan
She moved in, she seemed quite nice
Wore army boots and braces but I didn't think twice
Then one night she seemed upset
I said, are you not happy in my maisonette?
she drained her rum and babysham
Ran her fingers through her crew cut, said I love you Pam
I didn't faint, I didn't scream
Just carried on demolishing my custard cream
She said please come upstairs with me
Let me show you just how wonderful a love can be
I said alright, but don't be late
There's a thing by Alan Bennet on at half past eight
So up we go and off she went
But all I seemed to think about was Stoke-on-Trent
Not me, it didn't gel
I prefer a cup of cocoa and a Ruth Rendell
Joan dear, do get dressed
No woman over forty suits a mauve string vest

Then last year to beat the blues
I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise
So much to do, so much to see
With a load of single women who looked just like me
Then one night I clicked like that
With a batchelor called Billy in a golfing hat
We were so happy hand in hand
Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland

I told him sex had been no go
He took it as a challange and we went below
We kissed and hugged without delay
He tried to take my rainhood off I said, no way
He said, I bet you ten whole pounds
I bet you'll have an orgasm while I'm around
He got stuck in he really tried
But I only felt a tremor down my left hand side
Not me, that's my boast
I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast
Bill dear, do get dressed
But he just fell over moaning as he clutched his chest
He went Arrrggh 
(It was that type of sound)

Bill was dead, he died for me
They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea
But as I poured another cup
I thought, I've never had that orgasm, I'm ten quid up!






Things Would Never Have Worked

It's over, we've missed the bus
Nice idea, but not for us,
We didn't click,
Let's make it quick and say goodbye,
Don't hold my hand, and don't demand a reason why
No loving looks, no fond regards,
Tonight was always on the cards.

I like big muscles, you were thin and lanky,
I like nice manners, you were far too cranky,
You blew your nose and then looked in your hanky,
Things would never have worked.

The day I met you was a real heart-wrencher,
I thought that love would be a big adventure,
Then saw the spinach on your bottom dencher,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted champagne and oysters,
'Cause that's the way I am,
You gave me Vimto, tinned carrots and Spam.

Rappot's a thing you just can't manufacture,
You had your pin-up girl, I couldn't match her,
I didn't want to, it was Mrs. Thatcher,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted love to come and knock our blocks off,
But even Venus takes her card and clocks off,
Your idea of foreplay was to take your socks off,
Things would never have worked.

I wanted moonlight and roses and all that silly tosh,
You wanted gerbils, a whippet, a wash.

I wanted love poems but you couldn't write them,
My earlobes nibbled but you wouldn't bite them,
You'd only fart and then, attempt to light them,
Things would never have worked.

We're not compatible, let's not get blue dear,
At least we see each other's point of view dear,
I like big hunky men and so do you dear,
Things would never have worked.





Let's Do It 


Freda and Barry sat one night.
The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
The wind was soft. The moon was up.
Freda drained her cocoa cup

She licked her lips. She felt sublime.
She switched off Gardeners' Question Time.
Barry cringed in fear and dread
As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it while the mood is right!
I'm feeling
Appealing.
I've really got an appetite.

I'm on fire
With desire.
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I don't believe in too much sex.
This fashion
For passion
Turns us into nervous wrecks.

No derision!
My decision—
I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.

So she said:

Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it till our hearts go boom!
Go native,
Creative
Living in the living room.

This folly
Is jolly.
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!

But he said:

I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Me 'eavy breathing days have gone.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
It's other things that turn me on.

I'm imploring:
I'm bo