HAPPY BANK HOLIDAY

ITS ON ITS WAY....

BEFORE & AFTER

NOT LONG TO GO NOW....

AIDS was always just a word
yet now it bears your name;
But it has not changed how I feel
I love you just the same.

We should never judge another
with thoughtless words or deeds;
For we all have within us
wounds that have made us bleed.

So you have an illness
none of us quite understand;
It doesn't make you less a person
nor less a man.

You are still that same sweet person
that I have always known;
No matter the distance between us
in my heart you will always have a home.

If I can endure for this moment,
whatever is happening to me.
No matter how heavy my heart,
or how dark the moment may be.
If I can but keep on believing,
what I know in my heart to be true.
Then darkness will fade into morning,
and with this dawn a new day, too.

HELLOOOOO

A sex tape of Colin Farrell that he managed to get banned from distribution in 2005 has somehow ended up at his girlfriend’s parents’ house.

They don’t know who sent it and are “reportedly furious with the attempts to shock her family.”

Farrell has a child with this girlfriend as well as another 6 year old with an ex.

The sexy Irishman clearly learned his lesson, but unfortunately it has come back to haunt him.

“At the end of the deposition – because it was all very officious in law office in Los Angeles – the man who was in charge said: ‘You’ve learned your lesson now I hope Mr Farrell’, and I said: ‘Absolutely – next time I take the tape with me’.”

One day, I met a new jar of peanut butter. I was so much in love with it and we stuck together all the time. I knew I could live with only the peanut butter forever. Or so I thought. When I met the jar of jam. I had this strange tingly feeling in my spine. It was a refreshing feeling. And I decided to cheat on peanut butter for a while and go out with the jam. However I had strange urges for peanut butter again, so then I cheated on the jam. Now I decided, why have one when I can have both? And so here I am. Yum! Peanut butter and jam anyone?

KNITTED CAR..WHY?

Apparently the steering is a bit woolly, but this knitted Ferrari by artistLaurent Porter certainly looks amazing. 'I created a Ferrari because it is instantly recognisable and the opposite of what people expect from something that is knitted,' she says. 

YOU CAN'T BEAT A MULTI-FUNCTIONAL DRESS !!!

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were
out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS AND GIRLFRIEND

9 TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS:

Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


9 TYPES OF GIRLFRIENDS:

Ms. Nice Guy
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control
"I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

HAPPY WEDNESDAY

LA LA LAND

IS SHE MAD !!!!!!!!!!

KATIE MELUA - JACLYN SMITH

SO FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have You?

Have You ever loved someone
But knew they didn't care?
Have You ever felt like crying
But Knew you'd get no where?

Have you ever looked into their eyes
And said a little prayer?
Have you ever looked into their hearts
And wished that you were there?

Have you ever felt their heartbeat,
When the lights were turned down low?
Have you ever whispered "God, I love You"
But you'll never let me show?

Love is grand, yet it hurts so much.
The price you pay is high.
If I could choose between Love and Death,
I'd rather choose to die.

So do not fall in love, my friend,
It doesn't pay a dime.
It only causes broken hearts,
Yet it happens all the time.

So do not fall in love, my friend,
You'll hurt before it's through.
I ought to know, my friend -
I fell in love with you.

The Joke's On Me

I keep waiting for the phone to ring
Yet I know it won't be you;
I try to fill my life by being busy
Yet all I do is think of you.

What became of us
And all our dreams and plans;
How could you turn and walk away
As I watched our castles turn to sand?

Do you never even miss me
Don't you long to hold me tight;
How could you forget so easily
And walk away tonight?

I want to be in your arms again
To see the laughter in your eyes;
But I guess the joke's on me
And Oh! Was I surprised!

WHAT ????

Gay dogs not welcome, diner in South Australia told

 RESTAURANT in a northwest suburb of Adelaide that refused a blind man entry because it thought his guide dog was "gay" was ordered by the Equal Opportunity Tribunal to pay him $1500.

The (Adelaide) Sunday Mail said Ian Jolly, 57, was barred from dining at the Thai Spice restaurant in May 2009 after a staff member mistook his guide dog Nudge for a "gay dog," a tribunal heard this week.

A statement given by restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said one of the restaurant's waiters said that Mr Jolly's partner Ms Chris Lawrence stated "she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant."

Mr Jolly and Ms Lawrence were refused entry to the restaurant - which displays a "guide dogs welcome" sign - even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.

At an Equal Opportunity Tribunal conciliation hearing on Friday, the restaurant agreed to provide Mr Jolly with a written apology and attend an Equal Opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1500.

Mr Jolly said while he was happy with the result, the embarrassing incident had dampened his enthusiasm for eating out at restaurants. "It gives you some comfort that Equal Opportunity is there," he said."The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," a statement from the hearing said.

"But I always have that fear now, when I go out.

"I just want to be like everybody else and be able to go out for dinner, to be left alone and just enjoy a meal."

Thai Spice refused to speak to the Sunday Mail when contacted for comment.

Sex-change killer to wed lesbian murderer

A UK killer is getting married behind bars after being switched to a women’s jail following a sex-change operation - and falling for a lesbian murderess.

The Sun reported Douglas Wakefield, 61, who was jailed 36 years ago for killing his uncle, has won permission to get hitched in the prison chapel of New Hall Prison near Wakefield, West Yorkshire.

Criminals will be guests at the civil partnership ceremony as Wakefield - who underwent a taxpayer-funded "gender reassignment" and is now called "Tai" - recites vows with mother-of-three Thelma Purchase, 45, a fellow killer serving a life sentence.

It follows another wedding earlier this month at the New Hall Prison - of killers Amanda Fitzpatrick and Debbie Ware.Fitzpatrick, 25, was jailed for life for the murder of her brother-in-law with scissors and lesbian Ware, 31, stabbed a shopkeeper in a robbery.

"It is incredible this can be allowed. The criminal justice system is becoming a joke," he said.Furious Tory MP, Philip Davies, blasted the prison nuptials.

Wakefield was jailed for strangling his uncle, beating him with a hammer and stabbing him 48 times with a garden fork in Gipton, Leeds.

The father-of-two became notorious as one of the most dangerous men in jail after killing an inmate at Parkhurst and twice taking prison officers hostage.

He has been married twice, once behind bars.

His £11,000 ($19,000) sex operation in the '90s came after he started wearing earrings and decorated his cell with lace curtains and flowers.

Wakefield was then transferred to New Hall, where Purchase began her life sentence two years ago.

Purchase was jailed for a minimum of 30 years after getting a job caring for a disabled man - who she suffocated to get her hands on £70,000 he left her in his will.

The pair must pay their £345 wedding costs out of money they have saved.

Pear-face lie in woman's fruit tin

• Customer "shocked" by face in can
• Posts pictures of freaky fruit on internet
• Company gives customer $12 voucher

A PECKISH New Zealand woman scooped out some tinned pears and was confronted by a freaky slice of fruit.

Wendy McMahon was startled to discover the frightening face.

"I thought, 'oh my God, is that a face?'," she toldThe Southland Times.

"It really kind of shocked me."

Despite feeling "embarrassed", Mrs McMahon left a message with the manufacturer, informing them of her discovery in the Budget brand can.

She took photographs of the unique pear, posted them online and listed the find on Kiwi website, Trade Me.

Mrs McMahon said a spokeswoman for Safeway Traders Ltd was angry she'd "gone public" with the pear and assured her the automated manufacturing process in China meant it was impossible for a tampered pear to slip through the cracks. 

Mrs McMahon sent the spokeswoman some photos of the slice which appeared to have two eyes, a nose and a mouth etched into it. The spokeswoman changed her tune, sending the South Island local a $NZ15 ($12) voucher.

Mrs McMahon has sent the slice to Auckland for further investigation by the manufacturer, Heinz-Wattie's, and pulled the Trade Me listing.

Serial hoaxer Daniel Hammond claimed he was raped by whale

A BRAZEN prankster claimed he was raped by a whale and gave his name as Ben Dover during one of many hoax calls to the emergency services.

Daniel Hammond made nuisance calls for eight months, telling busy emergency operators he lived in Doctor Who's TARDIS.

On one occasion, he reported that his manhood fell off because he smoked too much weed and was struggling to have sex.

Another time, the lanky 21-year-old impersonated Saddam Hussein and claimed he hid a bomb on a train, a court in Sevenoaks, England, was told.

Prosecutor James Nichols said Hammond enjoyed the thrill of wasting the emergency services' time with his bizarre and persistent tales.

The court was told that Hammond was caught when he called to report threats he claimed he was receiving, and police recognised his mobile phone number.

Defense lawyer Laura Hollingham said her client's behavior was a result of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.When Hammond was finally arrested, he said he "couldn't remember" all of the disturbing details of the calls but admitted the offenses.

The court was also told that Hammond suffered from depression and that his family was struggling to cope with his "many problems".

KNOTS LANDING

HAPPY FRIDAY

Chinese man Wang Mou 'posed as a woman and married men for money'

A man has been arrested in China for allegedly posing as a woman in order to marry men for their money. 18-year-old Wang Mou had reportedly married three men already this year.

The Dahe Daily reported that after getting married, Wang subsequently fled with the engagement moneyreportedly got into the marriage scam when, in February, a woman who had promised to find him a job instead sold him as a wife.

'She cheated me, but I found a chance to escape then realized I could use the same shortcut to make some money,' Wang said.

'A lot of people mistake me for a woman on first sight,' Wang added. 

After the first marriage, he then sold himself, with the help of an accomplice, to two further men for £1,000 a time. 

He was caught after fleeing on the day of the third wedding by local women, who turned him over to the police when they realised he was a man.

Wallabies sold as alternatives to lawnmower

Mary Davies, 50, has been breeding the marsupials at Leonardslee Gardens, the Grade I-listed attraction in Horsham, West Sussex, which she runs with her twin brother Tom Loder.

She said the animals have done such a good job with her gardens that she has a waiting list of customers wanting to use them on their own land.

Wallabies from Tasmania were introduced at Leonardslee by her great-great-grandfather, the naturalist Sir Edmund Loder in 1889.“They can't chew nice stripes into your lawn, but they are excellent at keeping the grass well grazed.”

Mrs Davies, who lives nearby, established her separate group of eight albino and nine grey Bennett's wallabies 15 years ago to help prevent inbreeding among the 50 or so at Leonardslee.

She is selling her animals for between £300 and £1,000 each, depending on colour and gender. She said they need at least an acre of land on which to graze.

But buyers will have to take the 2.5ft to 3ft tall animals in pairs, because wallabies like to be with a mate.

But Mrs Davies told the Daily Mail: “If they find something they like to eat, it's gone. So you might have to watch out for your roses.”

Wallabies are simply small kangaroos. They can live up to 40 years, run up to 30mph and leap up to 6ft high.

PHYSICAL VIDEO FROM GLEE

David Cameron wants to give every town and city a triple barrelled name like Kingston-Thames or Stoke-On -Trent i think that'll go down well in in Liverpool-on-Benefits

THEY DON'T MAKE SHOWS LIKE THIS ANYMORE

MY NEW OBSESSION BROOKE SHIELDS !!!!

PETS THAT WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES

http://petswhowanttokillthemselves.com/

 Please will someone lend me their pet just for a few hours i want to dress them up....PLEASE !!!!!

OLD SPICE IS GREAT

New blanket saves stinky marriages

A viral ad for a blanket made with activated carbon fabric to absorb the odour of flatulence has become an online hit.

The campaign for the so-called Better Marriage Blanket has been viewed more than a million times on YouTube.

The ad claims that the blanket, designed by Denver science teacher Francis Bibbois, is a "real solution to a very real problem".

Mr Bibbo apparently got the idea for the blanket when he was hunting in a suit made of similar materials and realised he could break wind undetected.

He created the prototype more than 15 years ago but the world is only now getting wind of it.

The machine washable blanket is said to completely absorb the smell of flatulence - and only needs washing every four years.

The product's website claims the blanket contains the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons.

Piggyback enthusiast arrested

 Oregon School Activities Association had advised athletes to look out for the suspect after he turned up at several games in Washington and Oregon, befriending the athletes, and requesting piggyback rides in exchange for money.

Police told the KGW news channel that they arrested the man at a hotel in Tualatin, Oregon on Monday on a drug-related warrant from Mount Vernon, Washington. An officer had seen him in recent days at a school event.

'We received communication from several schools that this individual had talked his way into their locker room, had pictures taken, had a ball autographed, had gone out to the parking lot and got piggyback rides from some of the players,' said Tom Welter, Executive Director of OSAA.

While the man has a criminal record, he has not previously been convicted of piggyback-related offences. After his arrest, he was transported to a Washington jail, then released on bail. 

BANNED RUGBY AD & AUSTRIAN TEAM STRIP

They actually lost wonder what they would of done if they had won !!!

IT'S BEEN 30 YEARS SINCE THE ICONIC GLADE ® SHAKE N' VAC ® ADVERT FEATURING THE UNFORGETTABLE DANCING ACTRESS, JENNY LOGAN,WAS FIRST AIRED. YOU KNOW THE JINGLE, YOU KNOW THE DANCE -NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO SHOW US YOUR OWN 'SHAKE N' VAC®' ANDWIN UP TO £1,000!

EASY APPLE PIE RECIPE

  

Serves 6

225g flour
115g unsalted butter, chilled and diced
Salt
1.5kg cooking apples such as bramley
115g granulated sugar, plus 1 tbsp for sprinkling
3-4 cloves
½ egg white, beaten

To make the pastry, place the flour with the butter and a pinch of salt in a food processor. Blend until the mixture forms fine breadcrumbs. Tip into a bowl and mix in 3-4 tbsp cold water. Lightly knead the mixture into a dough, wrap in foil and chill for 30 minutes.Heat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas Mark 6. Peel, quarter and core the apples. Roughly chop and tip into a largish pie dish. Mix in 115g sugar, 3 tbsp water and the cloves.

On a lightly floured surface, roll out the pastry into roughly the same shape as your pie dish only larger. Cut a ribbon from the edge of the pastry and press it firmly onto the rim of the pie dish. Brush with a little beaten egg white.

Loosely roll the pastry onto a rolling pin and lift onto the pie dish. Using a fork or spoon, firmly press around the rim so that the two pastries are glued together, then cut off the excess. Prick the pastry with a fork and paint with some more egg white. Sprinkle with 1 tbsp sugar.

Bake in the centre of the preheated oven for 20 minutes, then reduce the temperature to 180C/350F/Gas Mark 4 and bake for a further 15 minutes or until the pastry is golden and crisp.

WHAT A COMPLETE TWAT !!!

ZOO magazine has been forced to apologise after its celebrity agony uncle, the actor Danny Dyer, advised a reader to "cut your ex's face, so no one will want her".

Danny Dyer undergoing combat training for his role in the film Age of Heros Photo: REX

Dyer, 32, star of the Football Factory, dispensed his advice in the latest edition of the "lad's mag" to a heartbroken boyfriend who had asked how best to recover from a break-up.

He first told the reader, 23, identified only as "Alex, Manchester", to go out "with the boys" and get "on the booze" then find a new girlfriend so he could dump her and "break her heart".

Dyer's words have caused outrage on Twitter, the micro-blogging site.Then he concluded his reply with the words: "Of course, the other option is to cut your ex's face, and then no one will want her."

One tweet, from blockbusterbuzz, said: “If this is meant to be a joke, it isn't remotely funny. If it's serious, it's a criminal offence.”

Another, from hannahkaty, said: "To the people who think Danny Dyer is "funny" and "ironic": Have a read of this?"

Domestic violence charities have also criticised Dyer for his "inexcusable" advice.

Sandra Horley, from Refuge, said: "It is all too easy to dismiss comments like these as a joke, but at Refuge we know that domestic violence takes lives and ruins lives.

"One-woman-in-four experiences domestic violence at some point in her life.

"Two women are killed every week by a current or former partner. And these figures aren’t going down.

"One-in-eight young men believe it is OK to hit their girlfriend if she is nagging.

"Danny Dyer’s irresponsible and tasteless comments do nothing but reinforce these horrific attitudes. Shame on him.”

The staff at ZOO magazine, a weekly publication, apologised for printing the response but blamed Dyer's advice on a "production error".

A spokesman said: "Due to an extremely regrettable production error, an inappropriate and indefensible response to a letter has appeared in this week's issue.

"ZOO editor, Tom Etherington, apologises unreservedly for any offence the response may have caused and has launched an internal inquiry to ensure lessons are learnt.

"ZOO and Danny Dyer condemn any violence against women. A donation will be made to Women's Aid."

LOOK OUT GORDON RAMSEY..

It seems Mark Bradwin a kitchen supervisor with Webbles Burger in Minnesota has finally had enough.  The 26 year old Kentucky native has been stabbed twice by unruly cooks that could not take his aggressive form of criticism.  Mr. Bradwin admits that he can be a little tough on his staff and regularly uses the F-bomb when he feels they are not working up to potential.

The first stabbing took place in June of 2006, after a 12 hour shift together with a junior cook by the name of Jesse Richmonde.  After Jesse burned an entire grill full of Angus all-beef burger he was chasitized by Bradin and told that his pay would be docked for the ruined burgers.  Jesse lost it and stabbed he boss twice in the shoulder before being restrained by the two dishwashers on duty.  The most recent assualt was in the Summer of 2008 when the new breakfast cook took out an all-night dope fest on Mark and stabbed him in the back between his shoulderblades.

While recouping in St. Mercy’s hospital from the most recent attack, Mark decided enough was enough and began work on his ’stabless kitchen knife’. He already has pre-orders for over 40,000 knifes from chefs across the US and Asia and it seems he will be leaving Webbles Burger in pursuit of his new endevour.