NICE JUMPER

RANDOM PIC OF AUDREY

APPLE PIE THE BEST DESSERT IN THE WORLD !!!

REAL RADIO WIND UP THAT WAS NEVER AIRED...

CHEESE, WINE AND FRIENDS MUST BE OLD TO BE GOOD

Old Cuban Proverb

Man Never Misses Trip To Gym For 5 Years

In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, a Florida man hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his 3 weekly workouts for the past 5 years. "At first I thought the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn't waste the money - but that didn't work. Within weeks I was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go. So I decided that if money wouldn't promote me to go, losing my life would. The hit man idea has worked like a charm, maybe even too good. There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I've never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards. But with all its ups and downs, my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man. Now that I want to stop, I can't because I told him to shoot me if I told him I wanted to give up."

Man Sues Coffee Shop for Ice Mocha Mishap

After spilling an iced coffee beverage onto his lap while driving from a local coffee shop drive-through a Michigan man is now suing the shop for $800,000 in damages and mental anguish. The man claimed it was a "traumatic experience" that has negatively altered his life in many ways. He claims that he was unaware of the frigid temperature of his Ice Mocha or he would have taken better precautions with handling the beverage. The coffee shop owner said during our interview, "Anyone who doesn't know the temperature of a drink that has the word 'ice' in its name has much more important things to worry about than a moment of discomfort due to his own negligence. He sustained no physical harm, there were no damages to his vehicle or possessions except a brown stain on his pants, which I am sure is something he is used to."

FUNNY LOOKING ANIMALS

Whats the difference between Sultanas currants and raisins?

Raisins are dried white grapes usually of the variety 'Muscatel'. The main producers are the USA, Turkey, Greece and Australia.
 
Sultanas are small raisins. They are seedless, sweet, pale golden in colour and come mainly from Turkey. 

Currants are dried, black, seedless grapes originally produced in Greece. They were known as 'raisins of the sun'. 


Didn't know the answer to the question but now i do thank God for google!

British family tells US hotel they 'do not want to deal with black staff'

A British family is at the centre of a legal case in America after they allegedly told a luxury hotel they did not want to be served by black staff.

Ritz Carlton Hotel, Naples Florida Photo: ALAMY

The family, whose principal member has only been named as Rodney Morgan, were said to have asked management at the Ritz Carlton in Naples, Florida, they did not want to deal with "people of colour" or staff with "foreign accents".

Legal papers state their request was then entered into the computer system at the five star hotel before a black waiter was then stopped from serving them.

The 40 year-old black waiter claims he was stopped serving the family during their stay in February to avoid upsetting them.The race row came after lawyers acting for the waiter, Haitian-born Wadner Tranchant, sued the hotel.

The rest of the family, who were British, were not identified.

The Morgans had a daughter with them and ate stone crabs and dover sole.

Further details about the family were not disclosed.

According to the lawsuit filed against the hotel, managers breached the Civil Rights Act by stopping Mr Tranchant serving the couple. One of his duties was to fillet the sole at the table.

Mr Tranchant, a US citizen, was so offended he has sought medical and psychological help, according to the court papers. He is claiming compensation.

"On or about February 28, 2010, the Rodney Morgan family arrives as guests of (the) Ritz and specified… their preference to not be served by 'people of colour' or with 'foreign accents'," said the claim lodged at the Florida District Court.

"This preference was entered into the computer system of (the) Ritz at the direction of the (the hotel's managing director Edward Staros) with the further notation '… as per Mr Staros this couple is very very prejudice [sic] and do like like [sic] ppl of colour or foreign accents'."

Michael McDonnell, the waiter's lawyer, said that nine other staff members at the hotel have said they were told the British family did not want to be served by blacks or anyone with an accent.

His lawyers have cited the Civil Rights Act of 1866, which was passed a year after blacks were freed from slavery following the end of the American civil war, which makes it illegal to discriminate in jobs and housing on the basis of race.

A spokesman for the Ritz-Carlton refused to comment.

The case is due in court at a later date.

Nescafe Gold Blend Adverts 1980s

UNBELIEVABLE..

DOLPHINS ARE JUST GAY SHARKS

bizarre !!!

The cycle lane that takes up most of a road

7:30AM BST 21 Apr 2010

The cycle lane, which appears only on one side of the road, comes to an abrupt stop before the top of the hill and disappears entirely Photo: BNPS

The area reserved for pedal-powered transport measures 6.5ft (2m) wide, leaving just 4.5ft (1.4m) for cars, lorries and buses to squeeze through.

Stretching up a steep hill in Poole, Dorset, the road markings have bemused motorists, who struggle to fit their cars in the space provided.

The cycle lane, which appears only on one side of the road, comes to an abrupt stop before the top of the hill and disappears entirely.It has also raised safety concerns with the AA, which is worried it will confuse conscientious drivers and force them into the opposite carriageway.

Jonathan Mears, a 39-year-old architect who lives nearby, said: "It's utterly ridiculous. The cycle lane is wide enough to stage the Tour de France.

"It's astounding that much of the road has been designated for just a few cyclists, when it's relatively narrow anyway.

"They've given over more room to the cycle lane than they have to the road - there isn't even enough room for an average sized car to drive in the space designated.

"I haven't seen anyone cycling up there yet, but I hope they appreciate it when they do."

Brian Kerry, another local resident, said: "It's ludicrous. When I first saw it, it didn't occur to me it was a cycle lane because it's just too wide.

"It just seems stupid. A few people cycle up there but most of the cyclists dismount and walk up the pavement."

But the lane has been defended by Poole Borough Council, which said the lines are for guidance only and drivers were permitted to cross them.

Steve Dean, principal engineer, said: "The cycle lane is designed to encourage motorists to give more room to cyclists as they tackle the steepest section of Constitution Hill.

"Vehicles travelling up Constitution Hill are able to straddle the cycle lane as the markings are advisory and as such are there primarily to act as a reminder to motorists to give space to cyclists.

"The lane has been marked in accordance with national guidance but further signs and cycle logos are scheduled to be added and we hope this will make the situation clearer for all road users.

"We are currently monitoring the use of the lane and most drivers seem to be using it appropriately."

But Paul Watters, a spokesman for the AA, raised safety fears over it.

He said: "It seems very confusing and unusual.

"I suspect it has been put there because of the danger of wobbling cyclists or to allow a faster cyclist to overtake a slower one without going into traffic.

"But the average width of a car is around 6ft at least.

"Most drivers are sensible and would be concerned about crossing the line. They may be worried about breaking the law, even though they are allowed to cross it.

"It seems there is an increased risk that to avoid straddling the lane, cars will be more inclined to cross the centre line and will be in the path of oncoming cars.

"It does not seem particularly right that drivers should permanently have to abuse the lane to stay on the right side of the road."

No Excuse Sunday

To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are
going to have a special “No Excuse Sunday”.

Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, “Sunday is my only day to sleep in.”

There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.

Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.

We will have steel helmets for those who say ” The roof would cave in if I ever came to church.”

Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

Score cards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can’t go to church and cook dinner, too.

We will distribute “Stamp Out Stewardship” buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money.

One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.

Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.

The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.

We will provide hearing aids for those who can’t hear the preacher and cotton for those who say he is to loud.

See you Sunday!

Funny But True Stories !!!

American in Paris

Harvey, an elderly American absentmindedly arrived at French immigration at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris and fumbled for his passport.

'You have been to France before Monsieur?' the official asked in an aggressive tone.

Harvey, smiled and admitted that he had been to France before.

'In that case you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,' barked the bad-tempered officer.

Harvey gently informed the man that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport or any other documents.

'Pas possible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in 'la belle France.'

Harvey gave the Frenchman a long hard look. 'I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day

in 1944, there was no damned Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.'

Batman Flies In

Hilarious, short conversation allegedly held between an US Immigration Officer at Miami International Airport and an incoming passenger:

Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger : Batman.

Immigration Officer: What's your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.

Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What's your surname?
Passenger: Superman.

Immigration Officer: So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?
Passenger: Yes.

Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey Bud, arrest this guy.............

[See below for the passenger's ID card: ]

Terrible Fishy Tale

Joan Higgins, aged 66, has been selling pets and fishing tackle for years from her shop in Sale, Manchester, England.  Then one day an officer from the trading standards department decided to lure her into selling a goldfish to an underage boy.

The first point about this surreal case is that it does not seem unreasonable for a 14 year old to buy a goldfish.  You can understand the police setting up 'sting' operations for shops selling cigarettes or booze to underage youths, but why are they wasting £20,000 on operations to trap shopkeepers selling goldfish?

So far, so bad - but it gets worse, the magistrate fined Mrs Higgins £1,000, presumably as an example to other shopkeepers.  If you are struggling to believe the story up to this point, then you will be incredulous with the sting in the tail, 66 year old Mrs Higgins was told to wear an electronic tag and was made the subject of a curfew order normally reserved for violent repeat offenders.  Why was it necessary in this case?

We wonder if Mr Iain Veitch, head of public protection at Trafford Council, is sane when he said: 'Let this conviction send out a message that we will not tolerate those who cause unnecessary suffering to animals. The council will always try to support pet and business owners so that they are able to care for their animals properly, but where they continually ignore the advice they are given, we will not hesitate to use our statutory powers.'

In case you are wondering, no animals were hurt in this true story; the goldfish was adopted by an animal welfare officer.

Will's Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn't find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area.  So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn't shown up on the carousel.  She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

'Now', she asked Will, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

Crazy Aussie Driver

A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

Charlie's Angels Reunion 2006

Loved Farrah Fawcett but Jaclyn Smith was the most beautiful..
The famous poster of Farrah even i had one..

Burned The Roasts Most Outrageous Moments

Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson - Bea Arthur

UNBELIEVABLE...

Two Argentinean convicts who escaped from jail reportedly evaded capture by disguising themselves as sheep.

Maximiliano Pereyra and Ariel Diaz dressed in full sheepskin fleeces with realistic looking heads as they tried to evade capture.

Pereyra, 25, and Diaz, 28, who were jailed for robbery, escaped from a maximum security jail in Argentina, reports The Sun.

They stole the sheep hides from a local ranch and used their disguises to fool officials for more than a week despite more than 300 members of the local constabulary searching for them.

The local police have been left embarrassed by the episode after locals reported seeing the pair running through local fields at night.

"They were wearing grey clothes but had full sheepskins, including the sheeps' heads, over their heads and backs," said a farmworker at La Almeda.

Police sources said it appeared that identifying the pair among thousands of other sheep was "almost impossible".

"They can't pull the wool over our eyes forever," one officer reportedly deadpanned.

THIS IS A BIT WORRYING !!!!

A Swiss actor is carving out a new career as a sinister-looking clown - terrifying children's birthday parties.

Dominic Deville had the brainwave after watching his favourite horror movies and set up his Evil Clown service in Lucerne.

And he says his unlikely new venture is going so well that he's laughing all the way to the bank.

After he is hired to scare a birthday boy or girl, he first contacts his 'victims' to tell them they're being watched.

Then he taunts them with texts, phone calls and booby-trapped letters warning them that at sometime in their party he's going to smash a cake into their face.

"It's all in fun and if at any point the kids get scared or their parents are concerned we stop right there," he explained.

"But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless."

Colin Farrell: Who Knew He Could Sing?!

Wed., Dec. 9, 2009 10:00 AM PST by MARC MALKIN

Lalo Yasky/Getty Images

Just when we thought Colin Farrell couldn't get any hotter, we find out he can sing.
Not only does the Irish hunkster do his own singing playing a country music star in the much-buzzed-about Crazy Heart, but he actually has a pretty darn good voice, too.
"No one had heard him sing until he recorded with [composer and producer] T-Bone, but we assumed if he took the role that he probably could pull it off or he wouldn't have accepted the role," Crazy Heart producer Judy Cairo told us last night at the movie's L.A. premiere. "His agent didn't even know he could sing."
The indie flick centers on an alcoholic country star has-been (Jeff Bridges) who falls in love with a local newspaper reporter (Maggie Gyllenhaal).
In one scene, Farrell and Bridges sing together onstage at the Journal Pavilion in Albuquerque, N.M. "They both have great voices," Cairo said. "In fact, it was Colin's second day working with us and we brought him in and threw him onstage in front of 12,000 people and said, 'Sing!' He was a trouper. He did an amazing job."

Lorey Sebastian/Fox Searchlight

But don't go looking for Farrell's name in the credits. He asked that his name be left out. Not only did filmmakers want his appearance to be a surprise, but Farrell "also didn't want to take the spotlight off of Jeff," Cairo said. "Obviously this is Jeff's movie and…if Colin was more in front of it, Jeff would have to share the spotlight a little bit. He wanted to give kudos and credit to Jeff."
And we can attest to that. We've seen the movie. If Bridges doesn't get an Oscar nomination then there's something seriously wrong in this world.
"I don't want to count any chickens," Bridges told us, "but it's great to get these good reviews we've been getting. This film doesn't have the millions of dollars to spend on promotions, so it's great that we're getting the film out there."

Colin Farrell Bashes Gay-Bashing

Mon., Apr. 12, 2010 8:16 AM PDT by BREANNE L. HELDMAN

INFphoto.com

We often think of Colin Farrell as anoutspoken playboy, but now he's getting serious and speaking out against homophobia.
The Golden Globe winner is taking the stand largely on behalf of his older brother, Eamon. Last week, Colin spoke at an event for BeLonG To, an Irish LGBT organization aimed at teens, about some of his sibling's struggles.
"I can't remember much about the years of physical and emotional abuse my brother, Eamon, suffered," he said. "The thing I do remember though, quite literally, is blood on his school shirt when he came home in the afternoon. The beatings and taunting were very frequent for him and a constant part of his school years."
The actor went on to talk about differences leading to fear for people and how that can lead "us to do terrible things in a shadow of our better selves."
"Intolerance is not genetically encoded—it is taught. It is learned at home. It is learned in the classrooms and it is learned anywhere else we gather as a group," he continues. "Bullying is torture, it is another betrayal of basic human decency and its scars reach into the future of its survivors."
Eamon and his partner, Steve Mannion, reportedly tied the knot last summer in Canada and held a reception in Ireland around the holidays.
________

1      I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
2        Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 on those little bottles of Evian    
          Try spelling it backwards.
3        I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
4         Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5          it's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
6         Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, and cigarettes    
                 are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
7         Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
8              It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9          My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
10            Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
11        Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
12         Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

13          Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

14          Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

15          You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
                   why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

16          Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

17          Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Man's penis freed from metal pipe with industrial grinder 

A man who got his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder, after doctors in casualty could not free his genitals from their metal trap.

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect. 

Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a 'delicate operation'.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man's penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day. 

The man, thought to be aged around 40, did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis, after he presented himself at the hospital's Accident & Emergency department on Tuesday morning. He was said to be 'quite concerned and anxious'.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: 'It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting. 

'It's certainly an unusual call-out, and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again.'

Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: 'I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.'

KFC Double Down Chicken Sandwich contains no bread, just chicken 

KFC's bosses reasoned that burgers just don't contain enough meat, so have released the Double Down Chicken Sandwich, which says 'no to bread' replacing it with chicken that sandwiches bacon, cheese and the Colonel's special sauce. 

The KFC Double Down sandwich website says "this one-of-a-kind sandwich" features 'two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel's Sauce'.

They also inform hungry customers that along with a whole slab of cheesy meat, the sandwich contains 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380mg of salt. 

The Vancouver Sun tested one of the pre-launch burgers, on trial in Rhode Island and Nebraska and concluded that there were 1,228 calories.

This figure is almost double KFC's claim and half a man's recommended daily calorie intake. 

A KFC spokesman insisted: "Some media sources speculated on the nutritional information for the sandwich, and published numbers that were inflated."

The Double Down is set to launch in America on April 12. There are no plans to bring the meaty monster to Britain. 

Robs them then posts himself...

Stanislaw Muchy, 39, would then make his getaway by sealing both himself and the loot in another box addressed to his Warsaw home. 

His scheme came to an end after he fell out with an accomplice, whose job was to deliver him to courier firms, who contacted police to spill the beans on the scheme. 

After being tipped off, police said: ‘We arranged a special delivery of our own.’ By which we assume they mean that they arrested him. 

An Australian man has reportedly killed a wombat with an axe after the animal attacked him and pulled him to the ground in a 20-minute ordeal.

It is highly unusual for a wombat to attack a human

The 60-year-old victim had stepped on the creature which then became "rather nasty" and bit the man's lower legs and arms.

He was brought down by the wombat and also suffered injuries to his chest after finding it outside his caravan door.

The man tried to get away from the creature but it "kept coming at him", said a paramedic.

Eventually he managed to grab an axe and kill the animal, it is claimed.

Paramedic Robert Gill said: "Unfortunately the gentleman stood on the wombat.

"The wombat proceeded to get rather nasty and attacked him and inflicted some wounds to his lower legs and also to his arms as well."

"It took about 20 minutes. He did try to exit the area and get away from the wombat but my belief is that it kept coming at him," he told ABC Radio.

He was treated in hospital for bites to his arms and legs after the attack in Flowerdale, near Melbourne.

The victim has been living in the caravan temporarily while his house was rebuilt following last year's devastating bushfires.

A government spokesman said it was highly unusual for a wombat, a solid but slow-moving marsupial, to attack a human but admitted they could rush towards someone if threatened.

He said: "Wombats that are in an advanced stage of mange (disease) will become very agitated from the suffering and the irritation of the mange.

"But it's not known that they will push the attack to where they would physically attack someone."

LOVE THIS VIDEO BY THE KCATS !!!!!

STEVE BACKSHALL

Try having your hands injected with pure liquid pain, 2,000+ times over the course of 10 minutes, by extremely strong ants over 1 inch long. A pain which only gets worse and worse the longer time goes by. Oh and he's easy on the eye.

They always report images of Jesus or the Madonna in random pieces of food why not this?

Im not cruel to animals i promise i just find these funny !!!

The reason i should never be allowed to have a dog...i would really do this...